Desperate Measures
by kittiegalal
Summary: James and Lily were meant for each other, but their friends came up with a not so diabolical plan to prove it to them.
1. Recordbreakers!

**Title:** Desperate Measures

**Summary:** Lily and James were meant for each other, but their friends come up with a (not so) diabolical plan to prove it to them.

**A/N:** 'Kay, all I know is that I actually have an idea for a fic (finally), and I would like your opinions/ideas/groans at pitiful jokes. So let me know!

* * *

"She's so gonna be Head Girl next year," said James.

"Already?" asked Sirius. "Every year on the start of term, you say the same thing-"

"Lily Evans is soooo hot," chorused Remus, Sirius, and Peter, ignoring the frightened stares and quickened paces of the dinky first years.

"Face it Prongs, you've got it baaaad," Sirius commented.

"Do you have to add extra vowel sounds?" Remus begged.

"But I'm sooo se-e-exy. I'm allowed to do it."

"Gah, no! Not already."

"It's a new record," Peter remarked.

"What, Prongs' lament or Sirius' sexiness?"

"Both, actually. Clocking in under three minutes after the train left the station."

"Wow," said James without really knowing what he was commenting on.

"I know! Can you believe that it took nearly three minutes before someone mentioned my good looks? Aargh!" Sirius exclaimed as he was bludgeoned with several notebooks. "Why are- "

* * *

"-you guys so abusive?" Lily Evans asked her friends Becky and Sarah, both of whom had just whapped her upside the head.

"Because you're in denial! Denial, I say!" cried Sarah.

"Denial is a river in Egypt," said Becky. "Get it? De-Nile? Nile? No? Okay then, guess I'd better, ya know, shut up now…"

Lily stared at her friend for a long moment before listing, "Okay, number one: You're weird. Number two: That may have been the dumbest joke I've ever heard. And number 3: I'm not in denial!"

"Or Egypt," muttered Becky.

"Lily, you so like Potter. So so so so-"

"So so so so SO!"

"-like him."

"But he doesn't like me, anyway, even if I did like him. Which," Lily added with a deadly glare, "I don't."

"Oh, puh-leeze. He totally flirts with you all the time. Constantly," said Becky.

"He's so annoying, though," Lily said. "And he flirts with anything that moves, not just me. I bet he'd ask out a rabbit."

"But, you know, if you ever really need a date…" sing-songed Sarah.

"I doubt I'll ever get _that_ desperate. Besides, it wouldn't work. I," stated Lily, "am a prefect. And he's, he's a bloody marauder!"

"Nice language there, Miss Pristine Prefect."

"Shut up, Beck."


	2. Boxers or briefs?

Disclaimer: You've caught me. My neglect to put one of these on the last chapter is really just a plot to show you that I am the almighty, all-powerful J.K. Rowling. Yeah. Sure.

* * *

"O'Clarence, Berenice."

"GRYFFINDOR."

The marauders set off yet another bunch of fireworks, drowning out the cheers of their housemates and deafening their fellow sixth-years. Lily, Becky, and Sarah glared at them before returning to their whispered conversation. Which, coincidentally, was hardly whispering anymore.

"So guys, what color underwear do you think Sirius is wearing?" asked Sarah loudly. Luckily, she was partially drowned out by the cheers from the Hufflepuff table.

"D'you want me to show you?" said Sirius with a suggestive wink at Becky, making her blush a violent shade of magenta.

"Spare us," said Lily disdainfully. "And don't you realize it's-"

"SLYTHERIN."

"-rude to eavesdrop?"

"As if you weren't talking loud enough for all of the bloody school to hear," added James.

"Besides," continued Sirius, affronted, "I wasn't eavesdropping. I was merely listening in to your private conversation. Anyway the answer to your question…"

"My money's on fuchsia," declared Becky, then blushed as Sirius looked her way once more.

"Just because I washed whites and colors one…" he muttered darkly, but the rest of this scintillating conversation was drowned out by the roar of appreciation from the starving masses as food appeared on the serving dishes.

"All right, food!" exclaimed Peter, who grabbed several handfuls of chicken. Yes, handfuls. With his hands. In a public serving tray. Ew.

The Marauders suddenly being occupied with something edible, the girls went back to their conversation. "Yellow," said Sarah. "Yellow."

"Eurgh, could we just drop it, already?" moaned Lily. "Please? I don't care how much you're lusting after Sirius and his 'man-pants', it's making me ill!"

"Boxers or briefs, d'you reckon?" asked Becky.

"New hair color, Sarah?" asked Lily desperately.

"Ooh, yeah, you like?"

"She succeeded," Becky whined.

"Not for long. Okay, what do you think for…Severus Snape?"

"Gray," suggested Becky.

"Really, really don't want to think about that," said Lily.

"Come on, Lils," coaxed Sarah. "Just picture it…Snape-stark naked, except for your auntie's bloomers." Lily laughed at this, not sure whether she should be amused or emotionally disturbed by this image.

What was even worse was the image in her mind, the one of James Potter in only his boxers. He wore boxers, she was sure. Not that she dwelled on it. Much. And the only disturbing thing to her was her lack of disturbance.

* * *

A/N: Okay, mucho apologies to my "devoted fans"-all nine of you. Thank you so much for putting me on your alerts and favorites and you have no clue-NO CLUE- how awesome this feels. Okay, if you must know, the following reason for not updating is not a lie: Okay, I like absolutely adore mandarin oranges, right? So on Monday, I take some to school in my backpack for breakfast to eat during my first period class because my teacher is cool like that. So I'm absolutely positive the lid is on, right? Wrong-O! Mandarin orange juice all over the inside of my backpack, which wouldn't be a big deal except that my school notebooks got wet, along with my fanfic notebook, which started to grow mold. Yeah. Ew. So I had to transcribe the stuff from notebook #1 to notebook #2, and I didn't get notebook number 2 until Saturday morning. So not only did I spend my whole weekend (well, part of it) working on my lovely update, I still don't have my homework done. Fan-flipping-tastic. On the bright side, I'll have chapter 3 up by Wednesday, before I go on vacation.


	3. Extreme Circumstances

**Chapter 3-Extreme Circumstances**

It was tradition. Every year on the first Friday of the term since their second year, Lily, Sarah, and Becky would have an all-night talkathon. Topics of discussion included anything to hot guys to summer vacation to even hotter guys. Mostly guys. This year wasn't going to be an exception.

"Sooo…" started Sarah, her face serious.

"Sooo…" echoed Becky and Lily, equally solemn. They stared at each other, then all burst out laughing, earning them several "SHUT UP!"s from surrounding beds.

"Muffliato," murmured Sarah. "Grouches. Anyway, now that we've gone over the obligatory sooo… what do you want to talk about? And no jokes yet," she warned Becky. "You have to wait until at least 3 a.m. so you can pretend our complete lack of response is due to our sleepiness."

"Tired and shagged out…" muttered Lily to Becky.

"Pfft. I blow a raspberry in your general direction, Sarah," said Becky, pulling back her thick dark hair into a ponytail. The three were sprawled across their dormitory floor in lounge pants and tee shirts.

"Monty Python! Well, sorta," amended Lily, giving her Muggle-born friend a high-five.

"And, as we all know, if you listen closely you are able to hear the slight whoosh as this all goes over my head," said Sarah.

"Ha. Right. But that doesn't really matter, and do you know why? Huh? Huh?" Becky was bouncing with excitement. "Because we are going to play Truth or Dare!"

Lily and Sarah groaned. "Again? We always play this game."

"It's so for ten-year-olds," Sarah explained. "We, as mature-somewhat, anyway-sixteen-year-olds, must move on to bigger, better games."

"Pin the Tail on the Donkey?" suggested Becky wistfully.

"How about Ten Fingers?" Lily wiggled her eyebrows.

"Good. Yeah, I'm liking this," said Sarah. "You, ah, _do_ know how to play, right, Beck?" she added, seeing Becky fidget with her ponytail. "Yeah, didn't think so. Ok, hold up ten fingers. I'll start out by saying 'I've never…' something. If you have, clap once and put down a finger."

"It's easy enough," Lily assured her. "Just pay attention. Okay, I've never…eaten a whole bag of marshmallows by myself."

Sarah clapped, sighing. "Head hunter. Why do you think I have my lovely layer of pudge? Your turn, Becky. Try to make someone lose all their fingers."

"Okay," said Becky slowly. "I've never played this game before."

"Cheap!" yelped Sarah as both she and Lily clapped.

"Heehee. I like this game," Becky said. "I'm win-ning! I'm win-ning! Woohoo! Yeah!" she sang. "Ow!" Becky's victory dance was cut short by Sarah's hand across her knee.

"Quiet, you! I'd've elbowed you, but that would have required me to sit up and move closer to you. It almost would have been worth it," said Sarah regretfully. "My turn, anyway. I've never had a crush on any Marauder other than Sirius." Becky clapped sheepishly and looked at Lily expectantly. Lily glared back at Becky. "Oh, come on," complained Sarah. "The game's no fun if you lie."

Lily spluttered. "W-what? Lie? I mean, sure, Remus is sweet and all, but-"

"James, you cheater. Clap and be done with it," said Becky.

"I've told you both a million times-James Potter is a scummy, obnoxious prat whose head you would be able to see through if his ego wasn't in the way. It would take extreme-EXTREME- circumstances to bring me to enjoy his company."

"Oh, stuff it," Becky told Lily, chucking a teddy bear at her. "Ha! Unintentional pun! Unintentional!"

"That's it! Pillow fight!" declared Lily. Her friends let the game be forgotten and set to smacking one another with pillows. But through the giggle-filled night, Becky and Sarah were slowly coming up with a scheme to bring about one extreme circumstance.

* * *

A/N: Okay, I have absolutely no excuse for my lack of updating. None whatsoever. No moldy notebook or anything this time. Only real life getting in the way of my brain. Stage crew, funness. Funness, new word, yeah. Anyway, for those of you who are forgetful like me and need a reminder, please _please_ PLEASE! review. _Merci beaucoup_ to those of you who put me on alert or favorites-that is sooo cool.

Muahaha...scheming is fun. Good ideas in store. Never fear, RainChild, this will have an actual plot soon. And, um, if anybody wants to see real, actual good ship writing, see ProfessorSpork, Procrastinator-starting2moro, katdance666, and Queriusole.


	4. Environmentally hazardous fumes

Disclaimer: I am the all-powerful JK Rowling…not.

**A/N:** The fact that I could not even begin to think of when I last updated this story was a bad sign. The fact that I nearly passed out from forgetting to breathe when realizing that that date was in November was a very bad sign. However, I'm ignoring all of these stupid omens, becoming fueled by Tic Tacs, and writing something.

* * *

Lily Evans on minimal sleep was not good. It was less than not good. In fact, the girl in question was downright cranky on the morning of her first sixth-year classes. 

"Hey. Stop it," Sarah nudged Lily with her elbow. "Wake up."

"…must…get sleep…while…can…"

"What's the matter, Evans?" shouted Michael Phillip, a particularly obnoxious seventh-year prefect. "Hungover?"

"Die, Michael. You have two first names. Die."

"Or were you doing something…else?" asked Sirius rather loudly from across the table. He jumped up on the bench and executed pelvic thrusts repeatedly. "Eh? Eh? Do you get-"

"YES, Black, I get it!"

"Touchy, touchy…" Sirius remarked, returning his arse to its normal position. "You know, Michael," he stage-whispered, "I do believe she is."

"You're a prat, Sirius, you know that?" announced Patricia Rendell, striding in to the Great Hall past their table. She snatched the toast he was holding and kissed him on the cheek. "But I love you anyway."

"Ah, you too. D'you see, James?" he said quietly. "D'you see what you're missing? You could have girls swooping down and professing their love for you on a daily basis, instead of, well," he gestured at Lily, "that."

"I'm not the one who got my toast stolen," was all James said.

"You are in a perpetual state of girlfriendlessness."

"While you, my friend, are in a potentially dire state of breakfastlessness."

"Neither of which are words," added Remus.

"And, thus, we start off a new term," concluded Peter woefully. "On empty stomachs and unrequited love."

"And potions," added Becky with venom. "Don't forget potions."

"Oh, yes, the marvelous domain of Slughorn. Wouldn't want to be late for that, now would we, Prongs?" asked Sirius with a demonic grin at his best friend. "Eh? Eh?"

"You seem to be picking up his bad speech habits," Remus commented. "Aside from that, why are you taking the class if you don't like it?"

"For fear of abandoning _you_, Moony old pal!"

"And abandoning your grade? Would that have something to do with it?"

Sirius put on an affronted look. "Moony, I am ashamed of you! That something as trivial as your superb note-taking skills could be looked upon as the basis of our friendship is simply ridiculous." He looked nervous. "Okay, a bit."

"Not even a bit," James added hastily. "One might say…a tad! Yes, just a tad."

"Come on, let's go. Before you two embarrass yourselves even more." Remus smiled devilishly. "That might cause me to _forget_ to take notes…"

* * *

_Notes, Sarah Williams: Potions_

_For creating_ The Draught of Living Death, _one must first_

_What, Becky?_

_**So I was thinking…**_

_Oh, Lord._

_**Shut up. I was thinking about what Lily said last night. About some "extreme circumstances." **_

_Yeah, I found that kind of interesting…_

_**Any ideas? I was thinking sort of along the lines of a false kidnapping-**_

_What, and get murdered by James when he realizes that she's missing?_

_**Where are your ideas?**_

_Well, I…I've got nothing._

_**Precisely. So that's why we need to make a plan.**_

_Actually, I prefer the term "plotting."_

_**But that makes it sound like "scheming."**_

…_so?_

_**Which is A Bad Thing to do to your best friend.**_

_A Bad Thing, eh? Not a bad thing, but A Bad Thing. With capital letters._

_**Don't knock my idiosyncrasies.**_

_So, plotting is A Bad Thing. Right. But not when you're doing it in order to get said best friend to, quote, _get it on_, unquote, with extraordinarily hot Marauder._

_**Agreed. So, fine, we can "plot." But we'll probably need some help…**_

_Poor, lovesick James must complain to his friends a lot…_

_**A very lot, I should think…so?**_

_So, we can probably, uhm, probably…what's the word?_

_**Finagle?**_

_Yes, that's it, finagle the boys into helping. Or threaten them, that works too. But we still need a plan!_

"Oi, Remus!" shouted Becky. "Could you help us with something quickly?" He looked up from the cauldron he was sharing with Lily and nodded feverishly. Remus walked briskly across the room, away from the glowering James whose potion had turned a particularly revolting shade of magenta, rather than its intended lilac.

"What is it?" he questioned. Seeing the glance that passed between them, he said, "I take it it's not about potions, then?"

"We're…um, well…"mumbled Sarah. "We're plotting!" she said at the same time as Becky said, "We're planning!"

"Right. So you need the help of me, someone you don't know that well or trust that much. For this…plan slash plot slash whatever."

"That's a lot of slash…"muttered Becky.

"Yep. Pretty much," Sarah ventured. "But it's a really good plannish plottish thing. That we haven't thought of yet."

"But we're working on it!"

"Actually," Sarah admitted, "we're pretty crap at diabolical plans. However, as one of the marauders…well, you see, scheming is pretty much your and your group's life. In a completely good way."

Remus looked at them skeptically. "Does this plan involve…oh, say, I don't know, _Lily_?" _And if it does, he added mentally, will it cause James drag me out into the forest by my ears, castrate me, chop off said ears and the rest of my arse, maim me horribly, and then kill me? Or something perhaps a little less specific along those lines._

"Why, of _course _we would never do anything behind our dear, sweet Lily's back!" shouted Becky in a tense, high-pitched voice. It was loud enough that Lily turned around with a bemused expression on her face and started to ask Remus what the hell he was doing. "Unless," Becky continued in a whisper, "it involved getting her out of denial-"

"-which is in Egypt, or so I've heard-" Sarah cut in.

"And together with James Potter. There's just one thing…" she trailed off. "We don't have a plan."

"Why should I help you?" asked Remus softly.

"How much more unrequited love can you stand to hear James moan about?" Sarah pointed out. "Of course, it _is_ your choice. In fact, forget we said anything. Call it the sad, deranged attempts of a couple of silly girls trying to do some good for the world. It wasn't really that important," she said, glancing at Remus to see if the pity approach was working. Time for some fake tears. She stared down at her hand that was splitting valerian roots and her eyes started to water. "It's just the lifelong happiness of _our_ best friend and _your_ best friend and-"

"Shh-shh-don't cry! I can't handle crying girls!" Remus looked panicked. "Okay, meet my cohorts and me later-in the library-at a quarter past six. We'll have a plan." _I hope,_ he thought as he walked back to his cauldron.

"See? Who needs to pay attention in Potions when you've got plotting to do?" Sarah said, stirring her emerald green concoction that was emitting environmentally hazardous fumes.

* * *

Lengthier than usual, too! I really outdid myself-not. Now, if only I could make it less craptastic... 


End file.
